I am kind of surprised that conspiracy theorists and assorted nut jobs have gone underground in this US election year. Come to think of it, they haven’t surfaced at all. Come on guys, some of the Presidential candidates are out there are tailor made for spinning conspiracies around. Get your heads out of your rear ends and start squawking. I’ll even give you a few pointers to start you off.

George Bush's perpetual smirk has recently got smirkier. After years of being booed and hissed at, folks were finally beginning to appreciate that he is really a nice guy.

Take this week, for instance. A reigning pop diva had composed a song especially for him. And what inspiring lyrics.

"Thank you for democracy
Thank you for the rule of law
Thank you for debt relief"

Ok, so it didn't rhyme, but it's the thought that counts. He witnessed rapturous crowds singing hosannas to him for his role on terror. They cheered his forward thinking foreign policy; they sang paeans to his magnanimous aid packages to less privileged nations; and they were in awe of his innovative trade agreements. Heck, one bloke high up in the government told him his popularity rating was up in the nineties.

Terrorists know no borders.

They are hiding everywhere, just like the Commies before them. Probably under someone's bed in just about every country in the world, except maybe Israel.

So, let's just bomb them all. And not give any of them a chance to hurt us again. That way, we won't have to worry about overpopulation, global climate change, or an oil shortage.

Gee, if we no longer have to share the world's resources with anyone else, we can get Hummer production up again in no time. Detroit, you'll be back on top in no time!

We just might have to be careful about the air, though. Pesky stuff, that radioactive fallout.

But come to think of it, that too could work for us. I bet fallout only kill the lefties, fags, and atheists. After all, We The People (of your government), will all be comfortable in our underground, air conditioned bunkers, supplied with a thousand years of Twinkies. Hell, we could have a party.

Scattered and passionate, Janey struggles to transform the addiction. Her creativity supports her intention but her weak will tells her the addiction cannot be contained. Still, this writing seems so powerful; if only she could manage it. Pens of blue, black, green and red are scattered all over her floor like sprinkles on a cake. Notebooks stacked on the futon, floor, closet shelves and dresser pester and mock her, accenting the sprinkles but harassing her about the terrible habit, this pleasurable anguish. Not one piece of her ever-multiplying collection of writings has been finished. Her struggle is constant; she continues to fight. Empowered by her new orange notebook, she reaches for a red pen and tells herself, "This time will be different. This time I will control you."

Today’s lesson is on “How to be the Best Capitalist,” and the gurus who’ll be leading the forum are really the cream of the crop. Follow their simple rules for success and ensure that your family will be better off for generations to come.

Rule Number One: We all want things for our families, right? Family is still an important thing to many people, and wanting nice things for them is only natural. Wanting only the best things for them is a duty around here, and not only for one’s own family, but for that family’s next three or four generations. Turns out that the only way to really ensure that kind of security is to amass vast amounts of wealth and power, two things that are, shall we say, hard to stumble upon. Remember, it’s not GREED if it’s *for the family*.