Swine flu... it's something on all of our minds. A virus with no prior immunity, no known vaccination, and no respect for human law. If panic is any indicator, this virus is surely the one that will end the human race as we know it. Of course, a few hundred of the most wealthy and influential will survive in massive subterranean luxury tubes. However, some scientists believe that small pockets of land-walkers CAN survive if the right precautions are taken. Here are some helpful tips!
1. Wash your hands! Your mom toldja right. Washing your hands doesn't actually do anything, but at least it will make your brain think you're washing off all the creepy crawlies that you know are on there. Remember: disease is 99% mental.
2. Masks. Wear them. The sillier the better, too. Buy some of those panda shaped ones the Japanese wear. They're actually better suited to filter out particles more likely to carry strains of a burgeoning pandemic... plus, they're fun!
3. HEPA filters. Buy them in bulk and stack them up against any window or vent. If you have any masks left, outfit some filters with them. It couldn't hurt, right?
4. Bolt the doors at all times and knock out one of the windows for your gun turret. Once people find out you're building a safe house, you're going to have a lot of unwelcome guests. I also recommend erecting some kind of shield/fire wall around the perimeter and having food delivered. Insist on accepting all food by dumb waiter alone.
5. Build a dumb waiter.
6. After a few nasty run ins with the grocery boy trying to sneak up the dumb waiter, you're going to want to start a spore garden and a rainwater catcher. These will be your primary means of obtaining the nutrients you need to survive. There's the off chance a fleeing bird might drop a piece of actual food near enough to your compound to eat, but inspect it thoroughly... it's probably people.
7. Burn the dumb waiter.
8. Staple chicken wire to your toilet bowl. This might sound extreme, but after the virus takes out so many that the city plumbing system is no longer maintained, remaining land-dwellers (that did not adequately plan ;-)) will be forced to quickly evolve into snake-like creatures so that they can slither into more habitable, fortified locations. You're probably not even using the toilet anymore due to the inability to flush, but even if you are still using the toilet (say, as a way to cling to that most basic of privileges extended by civilized society, and thereby, your sanity) your diet of mold spores and rainwater should keep you from having any problem penetrating that chicken wire.
9. This is a bit difficult, but you'll need to gather supplies to create an artificial defense shield or Electromagnetic Pulse cannon. By this point, the flu has manifested into a sentient, evil cloud -- roaming the landscape, feasting on those that are weak in spirit and/or pure of heart. Even if you don't fit that description, you'll want to outfit your compound with EMP anyway -- the cloud is growing smarter and more powerful with each victim it takes and it's only a matter of time before it realizes that it can feed on whomever it likes.
10. If China has swept in by now to save you after assaulting the cloud beast with its rail gun, congratulations! If not, you'll be glad you snapped up this little beauty: the cyanide capsule. Simply push to the back of your mouth and bite. You're gone forever, but hey -- you had a good run. Gone are the sunny, happy days of your youth... Heh... the sun... (SIGH) it's just a memory now. A word you barely understand... just like mother, father, love, kindness, and hope. The only clear happy memory you have is of buying the panda face masks... but as you gaze upon the masked filters that line your walls, they don't remind of a happy past... they only underline the stark and desperate present.
You've cheated death for a long time... long enough to know that this isn't a world you want to live in anymore. At least you're leaving on your terms.
That's it! Good luck out there, and remember: wash those hands!
***See more of Lars's helpful advice and his podcast @ whoopsgolly.com!***
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