I went down to my favorite corner store today: "Farthing's Plus". It used to be just "Farthing's" but, back in the late nineties, when stores were changing their names to hint at having more than they actually do (i.e. Target "Greatland", Walmart "Encyclopedia", Bed, Bath "& Beyond"), They added the "Plus" to the sign out front in spray paint. If you ask me, it's kind of an eyesore. It looks like the work of some rascal kid who doesn't really know what graffiti is. At best it looks unprofessional. Go to a sign maker or cobbler -- have THEM make you a REAL sign. That's what I say. Like most stores with titles like this, there is no "Plus" to Farthing's Plus. It's exactly the same as it's always been... except for that old Greeting Card Maker that they moved into the corner, but it's always glitchy. I tried to make a card on there for my friend Mike when he fell backwards down the stairs. I spend about a half hour making the thing, and it ends up printing the card on the $5 bill that I put in!! Imagine the look on Mike's face! Got it? Now double it. Anyway, that's Farthing's Plus.

So, like every other Monday, I picked up the usual: combos, bugles, snoballs, and a large Fiji water. I go to the register and there's Old Man Farthing's son: Derrik. There's a "C" in that name... but he's not smart enough to spell it that way, so why should I waste the time writing it out that way? I guess I've wasted more characters explaining this, though... maybe I shouldn't have addressed it. Oh well, look forward to plenty of Derrik-centric blogs in the future so I can make up for this with all the C's I WON'T type. That kid, I swear... Anyway, Derrik's there, which is odd because, as I hinted at, Derrik is dumb. Farthing wouldn't let this kid get near a hot surface let alone a cash register. So, naturally, I'm suspicious.

"So, Derrik, your transplant finally came through." I say.
"Hey, there's a 'C' in there--"
"Let's not do this today... where's your dad?"

Derrik regretfully informed me that his father, Old Man Farthing, had passed on. It happened three days ago. He was changing a lightbulb, but broke the bulb from the base in twisting the bad bulb out. Using that old half-a-potato-bulb-extraction technique we all saw go so swimmingly on Mr. Wizard, he began twisting. But I guess he forgot to turn the power off, so, just as the broken-off base of the bulb was about to come out, Old Man Farthing was ripped off his step ladder by a runaway gorilla from the zoo... Wait, why did Derrik mention that power thing? Dammit, that's confusing, I'm sorry. That kid, I swear.

That gorilla had been missing for about a week. He'd killed about 21 people before Old Man Farthing with little or no prompting. The gorilla, having not eaten any of his 22 victims (look out Derrik, you've got competition for the Dumb Award!), he was hungry. Seeing the half of potato sticking out of the bulb socket, the gorilla ate the half a potato, and then (thinking there were more potatoes up there??) grabbed the live base of the broken bulb, electrocuting himself... Oh, I guess that power thing came back. Touche, Derrik.

Derrik told me they were up at the family plot -- both of them. Side by side: Old Man Farthing and the runaway gorilla. So I went up there to visit them. At the crest of the hill, the two graves overlook a river. They brochure says "Most Spunky River In The Southwest!" So I guess that's something.

There was something profound about it -- a man buried next to a gorilla. I doubt it's ever happened before. Wait, who was that lady? Jane Austen? Jane Something. You know, the one with the gorillas. The one from "Congo" -- wait that's the wrong movie... heh, looks like I'M in contention for the Dumb Award now!

Quick Update: The Captain is still gone. Chow Hound still can't speak English.